Negative but hilarious self-cynicism

I may come off as a goofy girl with Midwestern tendencies, but in my head is a constant running dialogue of negativity, often aimed at myself.  Here are the best of the best for your enjoyment:

“God, just buy the song!  Replaying that same song over and over incessantly on Pitchfork is only going to cause you to loathe its existence.”

” Enough people have confirmed it.  Stop living in self-denial.  You snore – get over it.”

“No matter how you convince yourself, Nutella and peanut butter sandwiches have no nutritional value and should not be eaten three times a day as snacks.”

“You know you really don’t feel that guilty about spending $40 on a new planner, The Cry of the Sloth by Sam Savage, and the current issues of Rolling Stone and GQ.  You get off on that new paper smell.  The more you tell people about what terrible splurges you go on only confirms the fact that money burns a hole in your pocket when you approach a Barnes & Noble.”

“No matter how well you time it, you will always get stuck in NYC traffic.  You aren’t in Delaware anymore.  Rush hour lasts 5 hours.”

“Oh my god.  That girl totally lisps just like Sally does on Mad Men.  However, Sally is a sad girl living in a drama basedin the 60’s, and you, lil lady, are twenty two years old and live in the real, dark world of the new millenium.”

“Jesus Christ, did you really just say “Aw Shux?” You need to quit that or you will never be able to show your face in a professional setting in NYC.  Ever.”